Big Girl Panties..Literally

I think some of my post can see self deprecating. I honestly hate that. Whenever I speak of my weight my words always seem to go that way.The negative way. I hate that,too.I HATE NEGATIVE! I never want my future child(ren) to grow up thinking something is wrong with them. There will be no "big leg" comments in my future. ("Big leg" is what my family always told me I had, actually I did a lot of gymnastics and that was the result-legs of steel, which in my family of ladies wasn't acceptable).

I believe it is so, so,so, SOOOOO, very important to love yourself. I am in the slow process of learning to talk better to and about myself. It's hard when you have my personality to not throw out sarcastic comments about me. I would never hurt someone elses' feelings, so why does it not bother me to hurt my own?

Also, I like to take care of others and put myself last. Always have. Yesterday after I wrote my post about PCOS, I realized something has got to give. I called my doctor and got an appointment for later today.

Basically, I want to see if I need to be back on medication. If she has any medical advice to get my life back on track. Every since my surgery, I can't get it back together. I'm EXHAUSTED to say the least. Ive made up a lot of excuses, poor food (which plays a huge part of my health), the heat, work, but even with all that taken out. I'm still not myself.  Maybe she can shoot me up with a magic potion or scare me into not eating shit. I'm not sure, but I know today I need someone to take care of me. I'm sure I will have a fasting glucose screening later this week to check my A1C and an entire panel of blood work. I say "bring it on" so it can be my gauge. 

This is a real crap time because of my life insurance debacle, but my health is more important then getting someone some $$$ (bling.bling.bling) when I kick the bucket. 

I never planned on being 30 and not even having the energy to walk around the block. So, I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's embarrassing. I shouldn't need medication or a doctor to live like other 30 year olds, but this is me taking action.So, this morning, I put on my big girl panties,the kind I can wear under a gown and no one can see anything because they come half way up my back so I can get everything I need to check out. I also put on the mental ones. That says this is what an adult would do.Keep going, my friends, keep going. 

Letter to 18 year old Amy

This photo prompted a full out, ugly cry, tantrum this weekend. I have bags and crows feet and don't feel "fresh to death" (can I get a fist pump?) anymore. I used to always get carded and told how young I look. Those days are gone. A very wise fella I know said he wouldn't go back to being 18 again and I realized there is no way in hell I would either. I wish someone would have told me so many things....

Dear 18 year old Amy,

First, I need to tell you everything will end up fine. It will take years, but you will be fine.You will find peace and be happy. I know right now you are depressed and trying to hide it because it isn't "cool." Your family isn't like other families and you can't hide it from yourself. What you can do is ask for help sooner, get medication and talk to your doctor ASAP.Go to some more counseling sessions. You don't have to feel like you do right now. Also, you DO NOT have to hide it. At some point, you will be the most sane person you know.

Secondly, dump your boyfriend. He is going to drag you down for years to come. You won't enjoy college because you will be worried he is cheating on you and trust me, he is. You will spend all your time, money, and energy on him. He won't become successful and your accent will never hurt any one's career, not even your own. He is a liar. This relationship will ruin future relationships. You will never look at things the same way and that isn't fair to some nice guy that is going to come along and want you for you. You deserve a hell of a lot more. Trust me, other guys want to date you. Much better guys.

Third, the people who are trying hard to be your friend, be their friends. They may not be the "cool kids" you did all the wrong things with in high school, but they are 5,000,0000 times better than those people. These people are real and genuine. They care about you. Dump the boyfriend and hang out with these people. They are fun and some of your best college memories will be with them.

Fourth, just be a nurse. That's what you really want. Yes, it is much harder than your Political Science classes. Yes, it doesn't come naturally, but you want to help people and that comes naturally to you. Chemistry you can learn.

Fifth, PLEASE put down the Marlboro's. I know you LOVE to smoke. Really you just aren't dealing with emotions. Also, stop hitting every drive-thru in town. These coping mechanisms will ruin your body. Also, be thankful for those size 8's. I know you feel huge and ugly, but actually you aren't. That girl that called you "Big Amy" is mean. Don't let that get to you.

Sixth, for the love of God, please stop with the leopard print. The sandals,the spaghetti straps, the tops..just stop...It's not as classy as you think.

Finally, stop planning every minute of your life and live. Don't be so serious. Everything that seems like an issue now, won't matter at all in a few years. Tell the people you love, you love them more. Your life, in no way, will end up like you wanted or thought it would. What it will be is better than you dreamed. You will find comfort and stability where you never saw it before.

xoxo,
30 year old Amy